Complicated Stuff

Sobriety is some complicated stuff.

I have been trying to get a handle on all of this for just over seven months. I have learned a boatload of stuff - about my addiction and about my sobriety. I read others' blogs and network with other alcoholics. I am constantly in the Big Book and the Little Red Book. Lots of reading to gain a more complete understanding of my higher power. AND I know I am just starting.

I think these first steps and first months are probably the most important because they are setting up how I will treat the rest of my sobriety.

It is serious. That is how I treat my sobriety. It is the most serious and important thing in my life. It is life changing. It is life saving. It is eye opening. It is also impacting more lives than just my own.

This is big stuff.

There is no KISS (keep it simple, stupid) philosophy in my plan. If there is a simple part I haven't found it yet. I found my addiction to be very complicated. It permeated every facet of my being. Almost every aspect of my life eventually revolved around addiction.

I don't see anything simple about relearning how to live - this time without my crutch. I think some people might simplify things and just look toward meetings and 12 steps as their elixir. I use them too, but I need to have more and I spend a lot of my time listening to what others have found.

Gratitude has helped me tons. Learning gratitude helps keep things in proper perspective for me. I just love reading the gratitude blogs. Nice and uplifting.

Making amends is very important to me too. Lots to think about there.

The hardest has been forgiveness. I broke this into three parts. Forgiving those who hurt me, asking for forgiveness, and forgiving myself.

This has been a whole lot to get done in this short amount of time. The exciting thing about all of this is I can see the direction I am going. It has been overwhelming and slow at first, but I can see up the hill.

Maybe the simplicity is taking it all just one step at a time, huh?

Selfish

Why do I feel like I am so selfish?

I am constantly running things through my head that are ONLY about me. It seems like I am always trying to figure out how to make things in my life better, how I am working my plan, when I can go to meetings, what I have to stay away from, things I want, me, me,me.

I was reminded last night that there was another life that was almost ruined. Another life that seemed out of control. Another life that now needed rebuilt. Another life that is also making compromises and sacrifices. Another life that is trying to keep on track, working her plan. Another life with everything new. A new beginning for her too.

I don't think people realize the toll on our spouses our alcohol has taken. I realize I didn't realize how deeply I hurt her.

Again, if I had taken time to just sit and shut up.

If I would have listened harder.

I heard things she said, but I didn't HEAR things she said.

I am listening harder now.

Wait, Wait...

The universe is like a bellows
It stays empty yet is never exhausted
It gives out yet always brings forth more

Man is not like this
When he blows out air like a bellows
he becomes exhausted

Man was not made to blow out air
He was made to sit quietly and find the truth within

- - Lao Tzu

I must sit quietly more often. I really need to sit quietly a lot more often.

I tend to be . . . . impulsive. Especially when there is something I want to do, or buy, or see, or cook, or make, or build, or read, or investigate, or find, or play, or learn.

I have improved since I stopped drinking. I am better able to think things through. But I want to be able to look at all angles, weigh the pros and the cons and come up with the best, the only decision to be made.

Right now I am still relying on my wife to be my rudder for a lot of things. I used to rely on her 100%. I am learning how to do things on my own. Keeping my thoughts and my actions in line with working my program, meetings, and reading has been substituted for my drinking. I now know I need to also spend more time just being quiet and listening.

I am sure I will be amazed at the things I will "hear".

Something Special

My sponsor shared at the last AA meeting I attended. He has experienced a falling-out of sorts with a family member and was asking for new sets of ears to hear his plight.

He received the understanding he was hoping for and as we went around the room relating our own stories to his, I started hearing some of the most wonderful insight.

There was something special going on. It wasn't a group therapy thingy. This was something different than I had seen before. I kept watching and listening, trying to figure out what was making this different than the other meetings.

I guess some meetings are just better than others. That is a normal thing, right? Some meetings you just seem to get more out of? I don't have a year of sobriety yet so there are not tons of meetings under my belt yet, but that has been my experience so far.

Well, in this meeting I watched every person in this group come together as one. We all understood, we were all there for each other's help and knowledge. It was exactly what our meetings were intended to do for each of us. It was so cool. Powerful, spiritual, insightful, emotional all rolled into something my sponsor could ponder.

The power of AA.

Armor Of Sobriety

A friend of mine relapsed this last week. He did his drinking at home, but came to work, fell asleep (was caught sleeping), was told he had to "blow" and blew dirty. He then just left work. He quit his job. He said he was too embarrassed to stay or come back to work.

We were in treatment together and there it seemed like he made the decision all alcoholics have to make. It is that decision we make when we have hit our bottom and just can not dig down anymore.

I am not sure if he has hit his bottom yet.

Pride is a complicated emotion. I think a lot of alcoholics struggle with the first step because of the pride issue. It is hard to admit there is something you have absolutely no control of. When I realized I was not in control of my drinking I felt like I was a weak person. If only I had enough willpower, but I felt like I was not able to even slow down drinking - forget trying to stop. I knew I was too weak a person to even try. I knew I would not win this battle. I gave up.

It was a downward spiral of thinking.

When I think back on those times now, I can find many instances where I had to be strong and do strong things. My wife and I raised two great children whom have become two great adults. We have gotten through illnesses, cancers and deaths on both sides of our families. Layoffs and unemployment are there too.

What I have learned is I have always been strong. My alcoholism is just stronger.

Realizing this has allowed me to keep things in perspective and not spiral down into that "what a shit of a person I am" hole.

My alcoholism is stronger. It is still stronger. It will always be stronger than I am.

That is why I use my sobriety tool box. In it I have 1 higher power, the love of the strongest person I know (my wife), 12 steps that guide me through my sobriety, another 24 hours sober, family to hug and love, friends to hug and love, a sponsor with 37 years in his tool box, friends whom I have never met but read this blog, and friends yet to come.

This is the armor I wear now. My armor of sobriety.

Gratitude

There is nothing like the feeling of gratitude. It places everything into proper perspective. It acknowledges my journey through my new life, keeps me reminded of where I started with my sobriety.

I still view my alcoholism as if it were some giant, terrible animal-thing that was eating me bit by bit. The more it ate the stronger it became. And boy did I feed it. I fed it as much and as often as I could. The weaker and sicker I became, the more it wanted, and the more I fed it.

I am still petrified of that/my animal. It really scares me. I am afraid of the dreams everyone says I will have. I wish I could forget it and get it out of my mind but I know it is there for the rest of my life.

It is scary because that is a part of me. That is still inside me. I am living with a nightmare that is willing to resurface meaner and stronger than ever. It would surely kill me if I ever let it out.

I do not take for granted the things that are keeping me alive. I am grateful for so many things - my Higher Power, the program I am working, my AA meetings, my wife who didn't completely give up on me, and my sponsor.

Each of these are a link in the chain that keeps my beast chained up and safe from everyone. As I grow in my recovery that chain just gets stronger and stronger.

I am very grateful.

Three Generations

My dad and his wife visited us the last couple of days. Last night we took our first photo with my dad, my son and myself.

My dad's wife told me she has written his obituary several times in the last few years. He was so close to death. My son has fought his own battles, and so have I. And now there was going to be a photo of three generations of survivors. Each of us has had different struggles, but each the same in many ways.

One of our similarities are that all three of our care giving roles have changed. My dad's wife is now the caregiver because of the decline in his health. My son has become pretty much independent since moving out of our home, now he is his own caregiver. Since I have become sober, my wife has been able to relax her caregiver role and hand most of that role back to me. All three of us are getting more comfortable with our new roles. We know it is the way things should be.

Every day I find more things to be grateful for. Every day I understand a little more than the day before. And, every now and then it builds into an "Ah-Ha!" moment where it all pulls together and I finally "get" it.

I will forever look at my dad differently. The things about him I could never figure out or understand simply do not matter now. I get it.

I will see my son a little differently now too. It was enlightening to see my son standing there: Two sons and two fathers. The three of us.

All of this mental gymnastics happened in a few seconds, while we were standing there smiling, waiting for the camera.