Insight

My 51st birthday came and went since I became sober.

I was F'ed up all of my 30's. All of my 40's were F'ed up too. My turning 50 was a milestone (even though I didn't know it) because I had started reaching my "bottom" which I reached 8 months later.

I have gained some insight since turning 51. I believe a lot of this is because of the clarity of thought I am enjoying now. I have always heard alcohol clouds the mind and it sure did mine. I am amazed my recovery has progressed so quickly mentally. I can contrast my thought patterns from those last days with today and it is like a literal fog has been lifted.

I also believe some of this insight is due to being alive on this planet for so many years.

I do have some regrets, as most of us do, and a biggie for me is the loss of so many years in my drunken stupor. But . . .

I am slowly getting some of that lost stuff back. It is helping me living my new life. I have found strength I never knew I had, I am in love deeper than I thought was possible and family means more to me now than it has in the last 50 years.

And I am amazed to think that I really have just started on this wonderful walk.

Just Doing Some Thinking

It has been almost a month since my last entry. I wanted to take a little step away and think about what I am doing here. Specifically, this blog. I know I wanted to get some of my thoughts and feelings down so I could take a look at them, read them over - sometimes out loud.

I started reading more and more blogs about alcoholism and started comparing my writing to others, and started questioning my writing abilities and the "worthiness" of the things I have been writing about.

This was not the way I wanted this to end up. I hoped it would be therapeutic and helpful.

So - I took time to look at this stuff.

In the past nine months my life has completely changed.

And I am going to blog about it. And I am not going to worry about it. And I am going to enjoy it. (Damn it!)

Music Lesson

AA is like learning to play the violin.

You can't learn it all at once, it takes time.

You have to listen to the "teachers" and do what they say.

And practice, practice, practice.

My Step 1

I went to a beginner's meeting last night and learned something valuable: alcohol to me is not like a poison, or as something I am allergic to, or cancer. People survive cancer, poisonings, and allergic reactions. Alcohol is death. I drink, I die. It is both simple and effective.

The last thing I want is to have it near me, within arm's reach. At my beckoned call (hey, bartender). It is the same reason I don't juggle atom bombs or fire breathing napalm. I know what it will do to me. I don't skydive without a parachute because I know what it will do to me. I don't duct tape my nose and mouth because I know what it will do to me.

Exact same thing. I don't drink because I know what it will do to me.

I have a respect for what it is. Death.

I don't want to be in the same room as death. I won't treat it lightly. I won't joke about death. It isn't funny.

And I have walked hand-in-hand with it. I remember the pull it has. It is cold and dark, feeling like I have lost my soul.

This is where I am when I work step 1.

Thanksgiving

For the last several days there has been a lot of Thanksgiving blogging. I guess this will be one more.

It is all about family and friends, isn't it? And it's about our gratitude for having them and for what they have given us.

This Thanksgiving was different for me than so many in the past. This was the first Thanksgiving I spent sober in many years. While I was saying the prayer for our meal, there was this sadness that welled up inside. I have missed so much over the past years. All the things I cheated myself out of just flooded my mind, along with all the things I cheated others out of too.

It is really kind of neat how fast your brain works - - all those years of thoughts condensed into a few seconds. Pure emotion.

Well, all that pain and grief was in my past life and I am not there now. I am here and loving it.

So . . . this Thanksgiving will always be my first Thanksgiving. And every day since 4/03/09 will be another "first".

I am really excited about all the "firsts" to come.

I Can Wait

I have received a lot of help on my ability to see things as more complicated than they need to be. I think I understand about taking things one step at a time.

I have a feeling a lot of newly sober people have felt the same way I feel. I want to understand it all, I want to know all of the sage advice offered up, I need to know everything because if I miss something it could mean relapse. I know the "AA" program is a spiritual, higher powered based program - we are to grow spiritually.

I also have figured out (recently) it is going to take time to get a handle on a lot of this. It is frustrating (and normal) to have to "wait" for some of this enlightenment, but I know I am on the right track and have a healthy outlook. This is great for me to get this through my thick skull because now I feel like I can relax with this knowledge I have gained so far. More things will be understood when I am ready to understand them.

. . . when I am ready to understand them.

Lao Tzu said, "Through the unfolding of life man reaches perfection."

Time really does take time - sometimes a lifetime.

Complicated Stuff

Sobriety is some complicated stuff.

I have been trying to get a handle on all of this for just over seven months. I have learned a boatload of stuff - about my addiction and about my sobriety. I read others' blogs and network with other alcoholics. I am constantly in the Big Book and the Little Red Book. Lots of reading to gain a more complete understanding of my higher power. AND I know I am just starting.

I think these first steps and first months are probably the most important because they are setting up how I will treat the rest of my sobriety.

It is serious. That is how I treat my sobriety. It is the most serious and important thing in my life. It is life changing. It is life saving. It is eye opening. It is also impacting more lives than just my own.

This is big stuff.

There is no KISS (keep it simple, stupid) philosophy in my plan. If there is a simple part I haven't found it yet. I found my addiction to be very complicated. It permeated every facet of my being. Almost every aspect of my life eventually revolved around addiction.

I don't see anything simple about relearning how to live - this time without my crutch. I think some people might simplify things and just look toward meetings and 12 steps as their elixir. I use them too, but I need to have more and I spend a lot of my time listening to what others have found.

Gratitude has helped me tons. Learning gratitude helps keep things in proper perspective for me. I just love reading the gratitude blogs. Nice and uplifting.

Making amends is very important to me too. Lots to think about there.

The hardest has been forgiveness. I broke this into three parts. Forgiving those who hurt me, asking for forgiveness, and forgiving myself.

This has been a whole lot to get done in this short amount of time. The exciting thing about all of this is I can see the direction I am going. It has been overwhelming and slow at first, but I can see up the hill.

Maybe the simplicity is taking it all just one step at a time, huh?