Sober

Insight

2010-01-05T22:49:00.003-06:00

My 51st birthday came and went since I became sober.

I was F'ed up all of my 30's. All of my 40's were F'ed up too. My turning 50 was a milestone (even though I didn't know it) because I had started reaching my "bottom" which I reached 8 months later.

I have gained some insight since turning 51. I believe a lot of this is because of the clarity of thought I am enjoying now. I have always heard alcohol clouds the mind and it sure did mine. I am amazed my recovery has progressed so quickly mentally. I can contrast my thought patterns from those last days with today and it is like a literal fog has been lifted.

I also believe some of this insight is due to being alive on this planet for so many years.

I do have some regrets, as most of us do, and a biggie for me is the loss of so many years in my drunken stupor. But . . .

I am slowly getting some of that lost stuff back. It is helping me living my new life. I have found strength I never knew I had, I am in love deeper than I thought was possible and family means more to me now than it has in the last 50 years.

And I am amazed to think that I really have just started on this wonderful walk.

Just Doing Some Thinking

2009-12-31T16:48:00.005-06:00

It has been almost a month since my last entry. I wanted to take a little step away and think about what I am doing here. Specifically, this blog. I know I wanted to get some of my thoughts and feelings down so I could take a look at them, read them over - sometimes out loud.

I started reading more and more blogs about alcoholism and started comparing my writing to others, and started questioning my writing abilities and the "worthiness" of the things I have been writing about.

This was not the way I wanted this to end up. I hoped it would be therapeutic and helpful.

So - I took time to look at this stuff.

In the past nine months my life has completely changed.

And I am going to blog about it. And I am not going to worry about it. And I am going to enjoy it. (Damn it!)

Music Lesson

2009-12-03T21:55:00.003-06:00

AA is like learning to play the violin.

You can't learn it all at once, it takes time.

You have to listen to the "teachers" and do what they say.

And practice, practice, practice.

My Step 1

2009-12-02T21:09:00.006-06:00

I went to a beginner's meeting last night and learned something valuable: alcohol to me is not like a poison, or as something I am allergic to, or cancer. People survive cancer, poisonings, and allergic reactions. Alcohol is death. I drink, I die. It is both simple and effective.

The last thing I want is to have it near me, within arm's reach. At my beckoned call (hey, bartender). It is the same reason I don't juggle atom bombs or fire breathing napalm. I know what it will do to me. I don't skydive without a parachute because I know what it will do to me. I don't duct tape my nose and mouth because I know what it will do to me.

Exact same thing. I don't drink because I know what it will do to me.

I have a respect for what it is. Death.

I don't want to be in the same room as death. I won't treat it lightly. I won't joke about death. It isn't funny.

And I have walked hand-in-hand with it. I remember the pull it has. It is cold and dark, feeling like I have lost my soul.

This is where I am when I work step 1.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T16:25:00.003-06:00

For the last several days there has been a lot of Thanksgiving blogging. I guess this will be one more.

It is all about family and friends, isn't it? And it's about our gratitude for having them and for what they have given us.

This Thanksgiving was different for me than so many in the past. This was the first Thanksgiving I spent sober in many years. While I was saying the prayer for our meal, there was this sadness that welled up inside. I have missed so much over the past years. All the things I cheated myself out of just flooded my mind, along with all the things I cheated others out of too.

It is really kind of neat how fast your brain works - - all those years of thoughts condensed into a few seconds. Pure emotion.

Well, all that pain and grief was in my past life and I am not there now. I am here and loving it.

So . . . this Thanksgiving will always be my first Thanksgiving. And every day since 4/03/09 will be another "first".

I am really excited about all the "firsts" to come.

I Can Wait

2009-11-22T23:30:00.005-06:00

I have received a lot of help on my ability to see things as more complicated than they need to be. I think I understand about taking things one step at a time.

I have a feeling a lot of newly sober people have felt the same way I feel. I want to understand it all, I want to know all of the sage advice offered up, I need to know everything because if I miss something it could mean relapse. I know the "AA" program is a spiritual, higher powered based program - we are to grow spiritually.

I also have figured out (recently) it is going to take time to get a handle on a lot of this. It is frustrating (and normal) to have to "wait" for some of this enlightenment, but I know I am on the right track and have a healthy outlook. This is great for me to get this through my thick skull because now I feel like I can relax with this knowledge I have gained so far. More things will be understood when I am ready to understand them.

. . . when I am ready to understand them.

Lao Tzu said, "Through the unfolding of life man reaches perfection."

Time really does take time - sometimes a lifetime.

Complicated Stuff

2009-11-18T18:48:00.008-06:00

Sobriety is some complicated stuff.

I have been trying to get a handle on all of this for just over seven months. I have learned a boatload of stuff - about my addiction and about my sobriety. I read others' blogs and network with other alcoholics. I am constantly in the Big Book and the Little Red Book. Lots of reading to gain a more complete understanding of my higher power. AND I know I am just starting.

I think these first steps and first months are probably the most important because they are setting up how I will treat the rest of my sobriety.

It is serious. That is how I treat my sobriety. It is the most serious and important thing in my life. It is life changing. It is life saving. It is eye opening. It is also impacting more lives than just my own.

This is big stuff.

There is no KISS (keep it simple, stupid) philosophy in my plan. If there is a simple part I haven't found it yet. I found my addiction to be very complicated. It permeated every facet of my being. Almost every aspect of my life eventually revolved around addiction.

I don't see anything simple about relearning how to live - this time without my crutch. I think some people might simplify things and just look toward meetings and 12 steps as their elixir. I use them too, but I need to have more and I spend a lot of my time listening to what others have found.

Gratitude has helped me tons. Learning gratitude helps keep things in proper perspective for me. I just love reading the gratitude blogs. Nice and uplifting.

Making amends is very important to me too. Lots to think about there.

The hardest has been forgiveness. I broke this into three parts. Forgiving those who hurt me, asking for forgiveness, and forgiving myself.

This has been a whole lot to get done in this short amount of time. The exciting thing about all of this is I can see the direction I am going. It has been overwhelming and slow at first, but I can see up the hill.

Maybe the simplicity is taking it all just one step at a time, huh?

Selfish

2009-11-16T15:54:00.004-06:00

Why do I feel like I am so selfish?

I am constantly running things through my head that are ONLY about me. It seems like I am always trying to figure out how to make things in my life better, how I am working my plan, when I can go to meetings, what I have to stay away from, things I want, me, me,me.

I was reminded last night that there was another life that was almost ruined. Another life that seemed out of control. Another life that now needed rebuilt. Another life that is also making compromises and sacrifices. Another life that is trying to keep on track, working her plan. Another life with everything new. A new beginning for her too.

I don't think people realize the toll on our spouses our alcohol has taken. I realize I didn't realize how deeply I hurt her.

Again, if I had taken time to just sit and shut up.

If I would have listened harder.

I heard things she said, but I didn't HEAR things she said.

I am listening harder now.

Wait, Wait...

2009-11-14T21:28:00.005-06:00

The universe is like a bellows
It stays empty yet is never exhausted
It gives out yet always brings forth more

Man is not like this
When he blows out air like a bellows
he becomes exhausted

Man was not made to blow out air
He was made to sit quietly and find the truth within

- - Lao Tzu

I must sit quietly more often. I really need to sit quietly a lot more often.

I tend to be . . . . impulsive. Especially when there is something I want to do, or buy, or see, or cook, or make, or build, or read, or investigate, or find, or play, or learn.

I have improved since I stopped drinking. I am better able to think things through. But I want to be able to look at all angles, weigh the pros and the cons and come up with the best, the only decision to be made.

Right now I am still relying on my wife to be my rudder for a lot of things. I used to rely on her 100%. I am learning how to do things on my own. Keeping my thoughts and my actions in line with working my program, meetings, and reading has been substituted for my drinking. I now know I need to also spend more time just being quiet and listening.

I am sure I will be amazed at the things I will "hear".

Something Special

2009-11-06T16:42:00.004-06:00

My sponsor shared at the last AA meeting I attended. He has experienced a falling-out of sorts with a family member and was asking for new sets of ears to hear his plight.

He received the understanding he was hoping for and as we went around the room relating our own stories to his, I started hearing some of the most wonderful insight.

There was something special going on. It wasn't a group therapy thingy. This was something different than I had seen before. I kept watching and listening, trying to figure out what was making this different than the other meetings.

I guess some meetings are just better than others. That is a normal thing, right? Some meetings you just seem to get more out of? I don't have a year of sobriety yet so there are not tons of meetings under my belt yet, but that has been my experience so far.

Well, in this meeting I watched every person in this group come together as one. We all understood, we were all there for each other's help and knowledge. It was exactly what our meetings were intended to do for each of us. It was so cool. Powerful, spiritual, insightful, emotional all rolled into something my sponsor could ponder.

The power of AA.

Armor Of Sobriety

2009-10-29T17:52:00.008-05:00

A friend of mine relapsed this last week. He did his drinking at home, but came to work, fell asleep (was caught sleeping), was told he had to "blow" and blew dirty. He then just left work. He quit his job. He said he was too embarrassed to stay or come back to work.

We were in treatment together and there it seemed like he made the decision all alcoholics have to make. It is that decision we make when we have hit our bottom and just can not dig down anymore.

I am not sure if he has hit his bottom yet.

Pride is a complicated emotion. I think a lot of alcoholics struggle with the first step because of the pride issue. It is hard to admit there is something you have absolutely no control of. When I realized I was not in control of my drinking I felt like I was a weak person. If only I had enough willpower, but I felt like I was not able to even slow down drinking - forget trying to stop. I knew I was too weak a person to even try. I knew I would not win this battle. I gave up.

It was a downward spiral of thinking.

When I think back on those times now, I can find many instances where I had to be strong and do strong things. My wife and I raised two great children whom have become two great adults. We have gotten through illnesses, cancers and deaths on both sides of our families. Layoffs and unemployment are there too.

What I have learned is I have always been strong. My alcoholism is just stronger.

Realizing this has allowed me to keep things in perspective and not spiral down into that "what a shit of a person I am" hole.

My alcoholism is stronger. It is still stronger. It will always be stronger than I am.

That is why I use my sobriety tool box. In it I have 1 higher power, the love of the strongest person I know (my wife), 12 steps that guide me through my sobriety, another 24 hours sober, family to hug and love, friends to hug and love, a sponsor with 37 years in his tool box, friends whom I have never met but read this blog, and friends yet to come.

This is the armor I wear now. My armor of sobriety.

Gratitude

2009-10-12T21:10:00.004-05:00

There is nothing like the feeling of gratitude. It places everything into proper perspective. It acknowledges my journey through my new life, keeps me reminded of where I started with my sobriety.

I still view my alcoholism as if it were some giant, terrible animal-thing that was eating me bit by bit. The more it ate the stronger it became. And boy did I feed it. I fed it as much and as often as I could. The weaker and sicker I became, the more it wanted, and the more I fed it.

I am still petrified of that/my animal. It really scares me. I am afraid of the dreams everyone says I will have. I wish I could forget it and get it out of my mind but I know it is there for the rest of my life.

It is scary because that is a part of me. That is still inside me. I am living with a nightmare that is willing to resurface meaner and stronger than ever. It would surely kill me if I ever let it out.

I do not take for granted the things that are keeping me alive. I am grateful for so many things - my Higher Power, the program I am working, my AA meetings, my wife who didn't completely give up on me, and my sponsor.

Each of these are a link in the chain that keeps my beast chained up and safe from everyone. As I grow in my recovery that chain just gets stronger and stronger.

I am very grateful.

Three Generations

2009-10-08T18:02:00.004-05:00

My dad and his wife visited us the last couple of days. Last night we took our first photo with my dad, my son and myself.

My dad's wife told me she has written his obituary several times in the last few years. He was so close to death. My son has fought his own battles, and so have I. And now there was going to be a photo of three generations of survivors. Each of us has had different struggles, but each the same in many ways.

One of our similarities are that all three of our care giving roles have changed. My dad's wife is now the caregiver because of the decline in his health. My son has become pretty much independent since moving out of our home, now he is his own caregiver. Since I have become sober, my wife has been able to relax her caregiver role and hand most of that role back to me. All three of us are getting more comfortable with our new roles. We know it is the way things should be.

Every day I find more things to be grateful for. Every day I understand a little more than the day before. And, every now and then it builds into an "Ah-Ha!" moment where it all pulls together and I finally "get" it.

I will forever look at my dad differently. The things about him I could never figure out or understand simply do not matter now. I get it.

I will see my son a little differently now too. It was enlightening to see my son standing there: Two sons and two fathers. The three of us.

All of this mental gymnastics happened in a few seconds, while we were standing there smiling, waiting for the camera.

Another Miracle

2009-09-30T18:48:00.006-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been very interesting for my wife and myself. What looked like a stroke occurred on the left side of her face has turned out to be Bell's Palsy. She is slowly regaining the use of those muscles and nerves.

She is such a strong person to be able to handle this with her usual graceful outlook.

All that has happened has made me even more grateful for my sobriety. I know how I would have handled these last couple of weeks if I were still drinking. I would have been no help to my wife. When she needed me the most I would not have been there.

Before I became sober she would tell me she was scared that some kind of emergency would happen and I would not be there for her. I didn't understand what she was talking about. If something were to "happen" I was sure I would be able to "snap out of it" long enough to take care of things.

I realize now, that would not have worked.

So:
Instead of being drunk through our ordeal, I was sober.
Instead of not being able to remember details of what has happened, I was alert and aware.
Instead of thinking about drinking, the only thoughts I had were of her and how much she means to me.
And, instead of this emergency driving a deeper wedge between us, it has done the exact opposite.

This is ALL a testament to what happened when my broken, rotten, poisoned life was turned over to the care of God.

I didn't get my life back.

I got a much better one.

Surrender

2009-09-11T19:36:00.003-05:00

"Surrender brings perfection"
The crooked become straight
The empty become full
The worn become new
Have little and gain much
Have much and be confused - Lao Tzu

I am amazed that 2500 years ago this concept was understood by Lao Tzu.

It is the same as our third step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I also think surrender brings rebirth - a new life.

It is important for me to remember I surrendered to alcohol and it was bringing death. Now I have surrendered to the care of my God and it has brought life.

Thank you God for all you have done in my life. I am your lump of clay.

Some Of The New Things In My Life

2009-09-09T19:53:00.003-05:00

I got to thinking this evening about how grateful I am for all the new things I have now in my life.

It seems like I learn something every day which enhances my sobriety, like learning about having drunk-dreams. Now I can be aware of the possibility of waking up, thinking I have been drinking, only to realize it was a dream. Haven't done that one yet. But I found out it does happen. Or taking a drink of orange juice and tasting the vodka I used to drink. Haven't done that one either. But, now I am more prepared for something like that happening than I was 2 days ago.

My life has been peppered with so many new thoughts, new feelings, new gratitudes, new loves, and most important new hopes. I went from having no hopes for the future to now where I know there are unlimited possibilities.

I know they are limitless because I can not think of anything I could not accomplish now. I think at some time in our lives we all have had that same feeling of thinking we were invincible. Did that feeling die with getting older? I don't know, but I got that feeling back.

I want to LIVE!

That is something new in my life, and I am loving it.

Caught Looking

2009-09-04T19:46:00.004-05:00

I caught my wife looking at me the other day, and she was smiling. I don't think she was laughing at me (which is usually the case) but it was a tender smile. The picture in my mind of that smile speaks more than a thousand words.

I am so blessed.

I guess there are lots about my alcoholism my wife didn't understand. Recently she told me she didn't know it was as bad as it really was. She also thought I could control my drinking (until the end I thought so too). She thought I was making choices when I drank. She saw the priority I was placing on drinking, and it superseded her.

I came so close to losing her. I still can't figure out why she chose to hang on for so long.

I am so blessed.

Up until five months ago I never attributed anything to miracles. Now I understand how my Higher Power steers me into situations where miracles happen. I have seen too many of them for it to be any other way. And, what is really cool is sitting at one of my meetings with eighteen others, knowing there are at least nineteen miracles experienced in that room.

I think about all of the miracles that have happened in my life in the last five months, in our marriage and in our families, as a result of being sober. It just adds more fuel to the fire of faith in a Higher Power.

I am so blessed.

Telling People, or Not....

2009-09-02T20:54:00.002-05:00

At one of my meetings we discussed the subject of telling people we were alcoholic. It was immediately apparent there were two distinct camps: Those who view their own recovery as a private matter, and those who are very open about their alcoholism/recovery.

My first day of recovery I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. But I knew I had to put my life in someone else's hands. I knew I had to answer the hard questions with complete honesty. Without honest answers, those trying to help wouldn't have a complete picture of my situation. Without the complete picture, I knew they wouldn't know how to help.

So, from the very first step of my recovery I have been open about my life. And open to so many strangers. Counselors, doctors, nurses, chaplain, strangers in recovery, and myself. I had never been like this before, and it had a very refreshing and cleansing effect on my mind.

I also wanted to be open with family. I also wanted to be open with my work.

Now, after five months of living like this I know that was the right decision to make. I will never have to keep track of who I told and who I didn't. I won't have to be careful about talking about it, and I have already had some at work inquire about my drinking situation at this point in time. This lets me explain why I can no longer drink alcohol, and it lets me give them a little education about alcoholism. People at work notice a difference in me (I have been told) and they know why. I am proud of my recovery. I feel some day someone there might ask me to help them quit too.

I want everyone to see what sobriety is doing for me. I guess that is why I write this stuff down on this blog.

It is great having this second chance at life.

Mixed Ages of Sobriety

2009-08-18T20:00:00.003-05:00

My home group is a great mixture of people with sobriety ages ranging from under 60 days to over 37 years. I also meet with a group whom all have less than a year sobriety. They each have their strengths and weaknesses.

In my all-newcomer group, I feel we do have some things in common with each other. Newly sober and an addiction to alcohol are two important similarities we all share. This is about where our similarities end. It seems like each person there is caught up with dealing with the scraps of life left from the whirlwind of an alcoholic life. Divorce, jail, house arrest, unemployment, crumbling marriages, broken relationships, and on, and on. This gets depressing. I already know how things could have turned out in my own life. I am also grateful it has not. I am so far away from where most of these people are in their own lives.

I also can't say who will be sober in this group next week. No relapse there would surprise me.

So why is this group an important part of my recovery?

It is because they remind me of what almost was. They remind me of what I have to lose. They remind me of why I keep going to meetings. They remind me of the hurt, and the desolation, the wanting to quit life, the not caring about anything, the hate, the guilt, the lies. It reminds me of the person I used to be.

I love my home group because I think I give someone there that same memory of the newness of this sober life and what it used to be like in the not-sober life. It just may help someone with decades of sobriety get reacquainted with the memories of what it was like, just like my newcomers group does with me.

The God thing . . .

2009-08-11T20:43:00.003-05:00

I believe in coincidences for exactly what they are: Something that lacks a definite causal connection. When a set of coincidences carries meaning to a person, that is called synchronicity. I experienced this with three events in the last two days.

I need to write about the God thing. It will hopefully not be too wordy nor too short to explain my understandings.

This is really the first time I have explained my spiritualism since I left treatment. I know it will help solidify my thoughts and feelings by writing them down.

I believe God is good. I believe everything God does is good. I believe if God has been God since the beginning of time, everything He has ever done has been good. I believe if God will be God until the end of time, He will always do good.

This is my God. Nothing else makes sense to me.

There are things I do not understand. Lots of things. Things about science, medicine, math, life, love, language, and lots of others. It doesn't change my life to not know about the things I don't know about.

Same thing about organized religion. Lots I don't know about. But, I do know my God.

I know what He is not.

He is not anything but good.

Steps 1, 2, and 3

2009-08-08T20:28:00.004-05:00

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

These three steps happened during the last stages of my alcoholism. The first three steps of AA happened in my first stages of sobriety.

Step 1 of my alcoholism was finally coming to the understanding that I had no control over my drinking. Of course I tried to control my drinking at this point. I made promises to myself and to my wife. I tried making deals with myself. I tried everything I could think of. It just seemed like I was playing a game. I just couldn't win. I was not able to find anything that would help me to even cut back my consumption. In fact my consumption was increasing. The more I tried cutting back, the more I drank. This brought me to the second step.

Step 2 of my alcoholism was when I realized this power (alcohol) was greater than myself. It had taken my willpower and my love for life. I was nothing but a shell of who I used to be, a long time ago. This brought me to the third step.

Step 3 of my alcoholism was when I finally gave up. I just couldn't fight it anymore. I gave my will and my life over to my alcoholism (my greater power).

I think it is important these were the last three steps of my alcoholism. A lot of us may have these same things in common.

I think it is important this is how I started my sobriety, with Steps 1, 2, and 3.

I also think there is something especially important in the fact that Step 1 is the same in both.

Staying Grateful

2009-07-30T21:15:00.002-05:00

My eyes are still wide open to the newness of all of this. That does not mean that I do not take my miracles for granted sometimes.

I would start my day, get to work, work hard all day, get home and keep busy till bedtime.

Not much time for reflection. Not much time to give thanks. Not much time for meditation. Not much time to invest in spiritual growth.

I felt it too. I felt like something more was needed. Seemed like I was missing something. Even after being given all the miracles I have, I was still missing something.

I started getting up a couple of hours early, and I found what I was missing.

Time for reflection.
Time for meditation.
Time for thanksgiving.
Time for listening.
Time for relaxing.

I am grateful for more things each day, and I seem to find them in the wee hours of the mornings.

Sometimes A Little Restraint . . .

2009-07-22T18:19:00.003-05:00

My AA meeting place feels like home to me in a comfortable way. Three months ago I did not know even one person there. Now I am feeling like I belong. This has taken some restraint on my part.

Let me explain.

In any situation where I have found myself the new person, like on a new job, or a new club, or a new AA group, the best advice I ever followed was to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open. This was great advice when I started my current AA group. The last thing I wanted to be known for was I want, I want, I want.

Everyone already knows you want and need certain things that will help you stay sober.

Imagine walking into a community garden with your basket and you just started taking and taking and taking. People are willing to share, but they do expect you to plant something and put some effort into the growing and cultivation process. When your efforts have born fruit you can share too.

Everyone knows this will take a little time too.

So, relax and just listen for a little while. Familiarize yourself with the Big Book and the 12 steps. Take your time. You already have the support of everyone at your meetings, and you don't even have to ask. You will know for yourself when it is the right time to open up a little bit. When you do that, just be honest and real.

Soon you will be an important part of that community garden where we reap life.

Miracles?

2009-07-12T21:06:00.005-05:00

Wow - More time has gone by than I wanted since I last wrote something here. It seemed like nothing was happening. I was still strong in my recovery, I had my 3 month birthday, but it just seemed like "nothing" was happening.

I have heard people in meetings say, "Give it some time and just don't give up before the miracle happens."

I am struck by the complexity of my own recovery, and also at the same time its simplicity. Just go to meetings and don't drink in between. It can be as simple as that. But I see something much more complicated going on.

I am alive. A miracle?
My marriage didn't end. A miracle?
My workplace sent me to treatment and didn't fire me. A miracle?
I found a Higher Power that helps keep me sober. A miracle?
Now, I don't want to drink. A miracle?
Where there once was destruction and death, I now have a reborn will to live. A miracle?
Plus I don't hate myself anymore, I am learning to forgive, I am rebuilding relationships and generating new ones. I am losing weight, I have a clear head, my mental health is much better, and I WANT to do things.

A miracle?

Since this has all been God's will I must remember this is running on His timetable. I think He wants me to slow down and reflect on the miracles He has already given me.

I also think if you have had some of those same changes in your life, you have been given miracles too.

I have learned not to look for that "one miracle" to happen. I might just overlook ones that I have already been given.

The Change

2009-06-25T20:58:00.003-05:00

The "old" me was a very different person than I am now.

I have had changes in my personality.

I have changed the way I view the future. I have changed the way I view the present. I have a different way to handle problems that crop up. I look at my job differently. I see my wife differently. I view the relationship I have with my children differently. I look at God in a different way.

I am an alcoholic in recovery.

This change has happened in just the last 90 days. It is exciting to ponder things the future may bring...

But I know to take it one day at a time.

I Remember . . .

2009-06-18T17:45:00.002-05:00

Last night something happened that has not happened in many years. My daughter called and talked to my wife after we had already been in bed a little while. The next morning she told me about the phone call and I said something I haven't said in a long time:

I remember!

I didn't even realize what had happened until my wife said, "That is cool".

I remembered something that happened in the night. In fact I can remember things that have happened in the last couple of weeks, in the middle of the night.

Recovery is the perfect word for what we all go through with our sobriety. We are sick and we are getting better. I wonder why we aren't able to stand back and see how sick we are. I guess that has to do with how deep our sickness goes.

But, I am better now. And I get better every day.

I can even remember what it was like before the alcohol.

Acceptance

2009-06-15T21:17:00.003-05:00

This subject is an important part of my recovery and it has shown to be a difficult one.

This seems to be something those with many years of sobriety still have struggles with too. It seems I am in with some good company.

It seems the Serenity prayer addresses the problem:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It seems to me the things I can change are inside myself. I can change my views of reality (sober vs. drunk), I can change the way I feel about myself (realizing I am not the same person now that I am in recovery and sober), I can learn to love God (not hating Him because he didn't immediately act on my repeated calls for help), I can understand why people do terrible, awful things to others (they have a sickness), and I can also have forgiveness (it's for my own well being, a healthier Spiritual life).

All of these have taken courage to accept and change. It is a constant walk for me - I get up in the morning and start each day going through the realization that I have made all of those changes. I am a new person with a new outlook on life, a new view of my world.

The things I cannot change are all about other people. I can't change how others feel about me (I can only live my new life in recovery), I can't make those I have hurt to trust me (I can only do what I say I am going to do, be where I say I am going to be, and do it EVERY time).

Easy, but hard. So here I am, taking it one step at a time.

I Am A Lump Of Clay

2009-06-10T20:26:00.004-05:00

There are various times in a your life when you are born.

First, you are born as an infant. You are helpless and rely on the support of those in your life to keep you healthy and alive. As you grow you gain knowledge and your life is shaped by those around you. You eventually learn how to crawl, then walk. You can figure out some stuff about yourself, but the more complicated things you leave for others. You do lots of stumbling and falling, and a lot of getting back up to try again.

Some of us reach a point in our lives where we give ourselves over, completely, to our God. We are "born" again. We are an infant in our spirituality and rely on those close to us in our spiritual lives to keep us healthy and alive. We learn from watching them, noticing how they live their lives, and listening to their stories of their own spiritual journeys. We watch for those nuggets of gold that will help us grow in our walk with God. We also find ourselves stumbling and falling, but we get back up and try again. We are able to figure out some stuff for ourselves, after all it is God inside us. There are also very complicated matters like evolution, the big bang, the universe, and so on. I have decided my own spiritual life does not need complications. I am content with my own personal relationship with my God. I am going to leave the more complicated stuff for others.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and I have been "born" again in recovery. At this point I am trying to learn how to walk, and this has been very frustrating because I must first learn how to crawl. I know I want to be shaped into a strong, healthy adult but it seems like I am so far away. I feel like a lump of clay waiting to be molded. I need to be content knowing my complicated issues will be resolved, and since I can't do it alone I will give to God. Someone at one of my meetings said, "Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is."

It seems like the only thing I have learned in my "three" lives is how to overlook the obvious. I think it is about time to follow my own metaphorical advice.

I Didn't Drink Today

2009-06-04T21:06:00.005-05:00

It was two months ago I had my last drink.

I was thinking about how afraid I was to make changes. I was terrified of treatment, I was scared to talk to counselors about the reason I drank, I was scared to talk to my assigned Chaplin, I was afraid of group therapy, I was afraid of going to my first AA meeting, I was petrified of having to "tell" my story in front of a group of people, and after my treatment was completed I was ready and excited to come home, but I was scared too.

Scared to be without the constant reassurance and support from everyone I met in treatment. Scared to start my new life. Scared for my wife and I to start OUR new life. Scared to leave the life behind that I hated so much. Scared to turn my "hating myself" in for "liking myself". I had nothing to blame if I failed. Nothing to blame if I couldn't do it.

Worried about not being able to find good AA support. Worried about how I was going to spend as much time as I needed going to meetings. Worried about finding a good sponsor.

I am still scared and worried about some of the above, but almost all have worked themselves out. Now almost everything has been replaced with excitement and anticipation.

Now, this is what I think: all of that is "normal" thinking. This is what the first three steps of AA has given me.
This is one of the many things I have learned in the AA meetings I attend.

I didn't drink today and I am not afraid of what tomorrow will bring.

Surprise! You are Spiritual, even if you don't believe you are.

2009-06-01T22:41:00.004-05:00

We all know our alcoholism effects everyone in our lives.

This entry is for my wife.

This has been hardest on her because she is the one person I am closest to. We have been together 32 years. We have known each other since we were 13 years old. She is the one I have hurt the most. I think I actually drove her to the edge of insanity with my insanity.

Someone said you can tell you have hit bottom when you stop digging. I was there and I could feel her slipping away from me.

Alcoholism will take from you until you can't give anymore. Then it will just take the rest. It feeds it's insatiable appetite and spits out the bones. The bones of dead jobs, the bones of broken dreams, the bones of dead relationships.

Now for the cool part.

Nothing on earth would be able to heal us both. How could it? I was plunging towards the bottom of the ocean with cinder blocks tied to my feet, holding on to my wife's ankles. Nothing on earth . . . .

I found a Spirituality that my wife has had all along. There is no other explanation as to how this could have happened.

Wanting it is not enough. Didn't we all want to get sober?

We have to give it over to God. Let him take it out of your hands. Give Him the worries, the pain, the guilt. All those awful feelings that just drag us down. They are not for us anymore. We can have the memories because that is what allows us to help others.

I thank my God for always being there even through all those years I denied his existence.

I also thank my wife for always being there, believing in me too.

Last Night I Had a Dream . . . . .

2009-05-29T20:32:00.008-05:00

I have normal dreams. When I dream, which doesn't seem to be every night, they are nothing special and almost never worth remembering. Last night was different. Last night was special. Last night I learned something from my dream.

As my dream starts I am on my hands and knees in dirt, moving backwards planting small seeds in three rows. As I push each seed into it's own shallow, funnel shaped hole, I covered them with dirt and marked the location with a small stick. After all seeds were planted I stood up and looked at all the sticks in those three rows. There were hundreds of them, all neat and evenly spaced. Each seed being represented by a stick.

I had done the work. Now I had to wait for the growing process. I had to nurture each seed by protecting them from birds and rodents, give them water and make sure the temperature and soil conditions were optimum. This would give them their highest chance for success.

All this for something I could not see with my eyes.

Patience was needed during this growing process. There was nothing I could do to speed the process up. These seeds need time for the miracle to happen. Everyone knows you can't speed it up.

With the proper care, each seed would germinate and grow into a fully mature plant, which would be able to take advantage of and use for my own nourishment.

I would also have more seeds to sow and some to share with others.

I just love metaphors!

Something Else I Have Learned

2009-05-27T22:05:00.003-05:00

I have to have some patience.

Well, I have to have a lot more patience than I have right now. I just want to have all of the wisdom and sober experience of someone with years of sobriety has behind them. I have seen what their new lives mean to each of them.

Even though they may have years of sobriety they still play it one day at a time. Looking at my life with the perspective that I will never be able to take another drink for the rest of my life is a huge chunk of "stuff" to have to deal with. But if I break it down to just one day at a time and just worry about this one current day, that makes it a much more manageable chunk of "stuff" to deal with.

I have been worrying about a thousand things that "need" to be taken care of in respect to my recovery. I need to get a handle on my forgiveness, I have to find a sponser, my spirituality is a really important part of my new journey, I want to get back to working the steps, I have two books that I think will help in all of these things and I need to find time to read them.

I have learned not to sweat the small "stuff".
I have learned I need to relax, do some meditation and be patient.
And, just do the next right thing.

One Thing I Have Learned

2009-05-26T20:09:00.006-05:00

Wow, where do I start with this topic?

How about forgiveness.

There is a reason I am an alcoholic. My original reason started in childhood and although most of those demons have been resolved; I know I must forgive and let it all go.

I also have to somehow forgive myself for all the disgusting, mean, thoughtless and hurtful things I have done. (Separating my disease, alcoholism, from myself.)

My childhood trauma resulted in the necessity for me to forgive myself? How can I forgive the very people whom made me the shit that I became? I have been wishing terrible things on all of them almost my whole life. And now that I know they are all dead I smile inside and hope they all died horrible deaths.

Forgive them and forgive myself?

One step at a time.

Treatment

2009-05-23T23:31:00.004-05:00

I was ready now to make the most important decision of my life. I had to get help.

At this time I was FULL of problems that I had no idea how to overcome.

Treatment came through the insurance I have from my job. The first person I told I needed help was at my job. This was the first time I admitted to anyone and I was scared, really scared. I was also really embarassed because I felt like I was crawling in and begging for help. I felt so low.

Treatment came in the form of an intense in-patient care program.

Treatment . . . . .

I decided that I would do anything to get well. Whatever they told me to do, I would. My mind was completely open for them to reshape, cut stuff out, plant new stuff, erase stuff, explain stuff, prod, poke, and dig into the inner and most personal parts of my being.

And that they did.

I left there 21 days later with three weeks of sobriety under my belt and a new life ahead.

Background Stuff Part 2

2009-05-22T21:04:00.005-05:00

Lets fast-forward a little bit. During this fast-forwarding I was keeping the same pattern of drinking, with one exception: The amount of alcohol was increasing. My poison of choice was 100 proof vodka and I was imbibing in 16-24 ounces, downing it as fast as I could.

Now, "normal" people drink for a variety of reasons. I drank for only one reason - punishment. Even though I no longer wanted this punishment, I was no longer in control. It was as if my alcoholism used to be this monkey on my back but now it had evolved and dissolved into my soul. In those short sober times between my passout drunks I started noticing what was happening to my life (and most importantly to my wife's life).

It was all falling apart.

My addiction was TARGETING the things I value most!
My addiction is cunning, baffling, and strong!
My addiction has whittled my faith and spirituality completely away.
I no longer have control over my drinking.

I reached a point where I could not go forward anymore. I was tired of the battle. I was exhausted. I was beaten down.

Sadly, I know my wife had those same feelings in her own heart.

Background Stuff

2009-05-20T19:27:00.007-05:00

Hi. I am Sobr1 and I am an alchoholic. I started my drinking as a response to my own childhood sexual abuse. This abuse caused severe and disturbing obsessions. I got to a point where I could no longer accept myself living a double life; the guilt was too much for me to take. I felt like I was just a piece of shit, not worth having anything that was good or nice.

The last 20 years I have spent time with a faith healer, 3 psychologists, 2 psychiatrists and 1 urologist. This resulted in various anti-depression medicines but nothing stopped my obsession.

I could not live with myself.

10 years ago I decided to take my own life and I decided alcohol was the "best" way. I knew it would take a while, but again, this was a way I could "punish" myself. I also knew that when I died, family and friends would look at me and say things like, "It was only a matter of time" , and, "We all saw this coming".

Everyone would understand it was "alcohol" that killed me.

9 years into carrying out my plan (about a year ago) I saw a psychiatrist who was able to get my out-of-control OCD back to "normal"!! No more obsessive, intrusive thoughts! I finally was able to start dealing with the root of my problem.

I wanted to LIVE!!

The only problem was that by now my alcoholism was in 5th gear, screaming down the highway to hell.

At that time I thought I could get things back and just drink like a "normal" person. I tried for months to get my shit back together but it seemed like I was drinking more and more. Now my drinking was as much as I could as fast as I could, almost every time ending up passed out. Every night. Each night passing out, getting up for work, working, then home, drink, pass out . . .